loss of life

Linkin Park's "In the end" speaks a lot about life and death. In the lyrics it says, "I tried so hard and got so far, in the end it doesn't really matter". The song talked about love and trust yet that line says everything about what I was pondering on for weeks. Mind you, what I am about to write has nothing to do with love.

When we speak of death, it is the total and permanent cessation on all living organisms or simply, the person stopa breathing. Here's the thing, everybody dies because death is something that we can't hide from nor deny. The fact that we are still breathing today makes me think. "What are we here for?" this is the reason why Rick Warren wrote his book "The Purpose Driven Life". I read that book around 3 years ago and after reading the book I am still the same person before reading the book. Sadly, I was not moved by it maybe because my mindset 3 years ago does not reflect on what the book was trying to tell me.

"Death is inevitable" - we used that line in our radio commercial weeks ago and I can't help but not to forget that line because it was simple but very real. When I think about that line, I was thinking not to make anymore efforts in living since everyone is going to die in the end. But I was very foolish enough to think about that. A man is born hungry with what life has instore for him. He works hard. Conquer every fear. Make sins. But in the end, he can't carry his money in his grave nor his achievements. When he dies, he leaves. Family and friends mourn for the death making him the best human in the world. After all the attention, they slowly moved on thinking that they should live their life as well. All I know is that when you believe in God then life has a purpose. "People are people" a clothing line that talks nothing more about being mortal.

I guess, life is too short to be wasted. Benigno S. Aquino died for his belief that "Filipinos are worth dying for", Criminals die because of their faults, Suicide bombers die because he thinks that dying for his religion makes him a hero. While people who commit sucide makes it unfair for those who are terminally ill and fights for every air they can inhale. Life is unfair. So what's the point in living? You answer your own question.

After our finance class. My friends and I stayed in the classroom discussing about satanic acts, chips, and the end of the world. I was enlightened about our discussion because it makes sense that we understand that everything is temporary and that our life should be made up for God since he is the sole purpose of our existence.

As a Christian, we know that John 3:16 is the answer to our salvation. Fear not of death but to embrace it as a part of life. As one quotation says, "Don't take life too seriously, no one gets out from it alive".

So, have fun!

to unwine

Midterms is over!

My mom called and asked if I want to go to HK with them. Of course, I said "YES". We will have a break for a week (Intramurals Week) which means I can go with them and can't help it but to get excited even if this is the fourth time that i'll be on HK. Nevertheless, it's still a vacation and my mom insists to go there even if I told her to go to Beijing instead. So, i'm now in the preparation mode for Aug. 25.

This was a stressful week. I want to get away from this. Hong Kong might help. :)

room for tears

The worst lines has been said. It's almost like an eerie midnight howl but much worse.

I could not help my tears and excuse myself in the crowd. Crying is supposed to be done in isolation. You want to see yourself in the mirror not holding back a tear and finding yourself almost hysterical. There are times that you want to reach out to others but we must accept the fact that you don't own their time.

But trust me with this. You want the pain to cleanse you, renew your thoughts and understanding. Crying alone is not that bad just don't grab a rope or a knife.

I know this is a weird post. I did cry a moment ago and decided to write something about crying.

CRY

I cry because i'm in pain

Wished I was never in vain

To God, I give you my tears

Help me not turn it into fears.

(andrea lee)

a 30 second composition. haha

Anyway, I just wanna say that I had enough.

scared.

I woke up early today contemplating what should and what used to be. Unfortunately, I can't change time and time changed me before I knew it.

In most instances, I usually go with the flow because I thought if I may not please everyone I might as well not give someone a headche over pride. My principle here is not to hurt anyone verbally, if I can. I still don't consider myself as a nice girl even if majority of the people I knew says so. People who don't know me would see me as someone intimidating than nice.

Enough is enough.

Some of my early realizations was "If you can't control others mouth, you can control yourself or at least don't lose your composure". Yes. That realization is confusing to others yet very clearly laid in my mind.

Never felt this scared. -that was my facebook status.

I am not giving up. I honestly need something like this to slap me in my face. People have unconsciously hurt me verbally and I want to change this. The sad part here is that I already did but I let go. So now I am holding on to this burden almost half a year now.

I just wanna say, "you will regret what you said". :)

smarter than grade one

We had our usual spelling class that day and as expected I got a low score. I was rushing to get my paper from my teacher and grinned. My seatmate asked me with an ecstatic tone "you got zero again"? I replied, "No, I got three." and flashed a sinister smile. He did not know that was my highest grade ever in spelling. I was kinder 2 at that time. I handled failure with a smile. To be honest, I was not born with the "smartest brain" I even failed grade one once. I remember crying my heart out because I won't be with my bestfriend and I was too coy to meet new faces. My dad even talked to our late school director to give me a chance and he replied, "Transfer her to a new school". I can't thanked my dad enough for having a courage to plead for her "not-so-smart" daughter.

I did repeat grade one and I met "criticizm" at an early age. One recess time, I was looking at the bulletin board because I was trying my best to learn and be knowledgable around the campus when a guy passed behing my back to whisper to me "You're so dumb!". I was shaking with anger and told myself that I won't let anyone belittle me again.

Things have changed, though I must confessed that I am no math wiz. I think I have proven myself that even if I am not academically smart, but I am knowledgable in areas that are more important than algrebra.

The lesson here is negative criticizm can be constructive but it barely depends on us.

a lonely battle

I am seriously addicted.

The control over oneself and how easily it fell off from my tongue. It's almost a year now and things aren't smooth though freedom dominates, my humanly behavior wins. I had always believe that money won't come short for me. My parents worked hard for our benefit and we can live for years without an empty wallet. All I have to do is to take care of myself, be responsible to my siblings and never fail them as a payment for years of luxurious living though I'd rather choose simplicity my decision doesn't matter because I need to live up for what I have and how to make it work.

I had a bad morning. I woke up feeling all the pain in my back and clogged with yesteday's excess of junk. I turned off my alarm clock and slept. I missed three of my subjects this morning respectively. Regret is not in my vocabulary right now because I had so much of it for the past months. I'd rather not care. I wrote something in my notebook because I want to list down my school attendance. Honestly, I can't be absent again and making a letter to our chairman for re-admission to class scares me. I am pretty sure that I should be making one but fate is being nice to me because I am spiritually present in class which makes me ecstatic. I can't afford to be absent again, I repeat.

I grabbed a pack of skyflakes, a bottle of fit n right and later a couple of crackers in my room eating it like forever. I ran towards my closet to prepare what to wear for sembreak, for my friend's arrival and for the coming days. I felt horrible looking at myself in the mirror. I just want to starve myself just to make things right at the moment. Today, I have 25 days to shrink. I can honestly say that I can't forgive myself if I look horrible in the pictures this coming September. There is no excuse now. I already have a game plan and my exercise is very light because I hate meeting my former trainer at the gym. All I have to do is execute things well in my plan. I have to endure looking at my friends eating all those heavenly fare while I seat down with them breathing air and keeping my compsure while people staring at me. Good thing I won't pay anything not even a corkage fee for breathing air. All I need now is be mindful of following my plans and be in control of myself. I want to be back to my old self that I worked hard for. I believe with determination I'll get there. I will do whatever I can for September 4 and beyond that.

Oh, I hate how my unform fits me.

a modern hero

Upon the death of former President Corazon Aquino's death there is no more words of appreciation for the service that she did for our country. She fought for democracy after her husband Sen. Benigno S. Aquino's battle of restoring the Philippine's democracy but he was gunned down after arriving in Manila from Boston. I can help but to look for interview's and notes from him. He writes and talks with brilliance. He is someone to be proud of knowing. He did suffered a lot from being away from his family and being imprisoned. The thought that he will die for his country makes him felt dignified than without even trying. His muderer is still in question right now but the assassination was well laid out. He wore a bullet-proof jacket and confessed in an interview that he can't do anything if he was shot in the head. He knew his fate. Obviously, we know who wants him dead. I just want to share a poem that he wrote. again, he is brilliant.

"The Candle of my life"

Lit, Light, Melt, Mold to Light Again
This poem of Ninoy was part of an old newspaper that I have excavated from the shelf in the office. One of the collections of by previous boss who was diagnosed with bone and lung cancer but died through cardiac arrest after recuperating from his chemo.
So short, so simple, yet the thoughts piercing through the deepest nerve of our hearts and the bones of the tyrants.
Showcased patriotism, fight for freedom and liberty from oppression and tyranny.
The love, hope and aspirations. Not only because the a candle can light the darkest night but most of all after being melted the hope to be molded again to light the dark never perish.


I am burning the candle of my life
in the dark with no one to benefit
from its light,
The candle slowly melts away
soon its wick will be burned out,
and the light is gone!
If someone will only gather
the melted wax, reshape it,
give it a new wick
for another fleeting moment
my candle can once again
light the dark
be of service
one more time
and then
Good-bye