a lonely battle

I am seriously addicted.

The control over oneself and how easily it fell off from my tongue. It's almost a year now and things aren't smooth though freedom dominates, my humanly behavior wins. I had always believe that money won't come short for me. My parents worked hard for our benefit and we can live for years without an empty wallet. All I have to do is to take care of myself, be responsible to my siblings and never fail them as a payment for years of luxurious living though I'd rather choose simplicity my decision doesn't matter because I need to live up for what I have and how to make it work.

I had a bad morning. I woke up feeling all the pain in my back and clogged with yesteday's excess of junk. I turned off my alarm clock and slept. I missed three of my subjects this morning respectively. Regret is not in my vocabulary right now because I had so much of it for the past months. I'd rather not care. I wrote something in my notebook because I want to list down my school attendance. Honestly, I can't be absent again and making a letter to our chairman for re-admission to class scares me. I am pretty sure that I should be making one but fate is being nice to me because I am spiritually present in class which makes me ecstatic. I can't afford to be absent again, I repeat.

I grabbed a pack of skyflakes, a bottle of fit n right and later a couple of crackers in my room eating it like forever. I ran towards my closet to prepare what to wear for sembreak, for my friend's arrival and for the coming days. I felt horrible looking at myself in the mirror. I just want to starve myself just to make things right at the moment. Today, I have 25 days to shrink. I can honestly say that I can't forgive myself if I look horrible in the pictures this coming September. There is no excuse now. I already have a game plan and my exercise is very light because I hate meeting my former trainer at the gym. All I have to do is execute things well in my plan. I have to endure looking at my friends eating all those heavenly fare while I seat down with them breathing air and keeping my compsure while people staring at me. Good thing I won't pay anything not even a corkage fee for breathing air. All I need now is be mindful of following my plans and be in control of myself. I want to be back to my old self that I worked hard for. I believe with determination I'll get there. I will do whatever I can for September 4 and beyond that.

Oh, I hate how my unform fits me.